Beauty in the Unknown

I’ve been a planner since the day I was born.  Graduate, college, marriage, career, babies.  All in that order.  I planned to be adamantly happy with each choice I made during those times and never have any problems, because I had been planning it forever. There is no time for problems if you plan forever, right? But life has had me call and cry out more than I care to admit in my times of “super-duper planned to the t” times; my heart has been soothed plenty knowing He is greater in me than in he that’s in the world and I’ve been blessed with a life that has kept many hardships at bay. Trials and tears have coursed their way through, but I’ve maintained confidence through the comfort of family and friends.

As I’ve grown older – the big TWENTY THREE in a few weeks – I’ve been hit hard with the fact that not all of my plans are perfect.  I still have so many unknowns.  Where will my family be in twenty years? Can we have children? When should we have children? Will I still teach when we start our family? Do I want to teach forever? Is Tennessee the place for us? Do I really want ten children? Am I being the wife I promised to be? Am I who I want to be? Who do I even want to be? There’s just SO MANY.  Some of them give in to the insecurities the world slips into our thinking.  Others are questions prompted by the stepping stones I see colleagues and family face. The rest are often comparisons of myself to someone else.  But what they have in common is that they are unknown and they are doubts and worries.  Worries that I’ve come to trust about the unknown, instead of hoping during times of unknown.

To be square, I feel right now I’m in a whirlwind of passions.  Passions I’ve had a long time are evolving or fading while others maintain their constant burn in my soul.  It’s been these kinds of days that I try to remind myself of the constants my life does have:

1. God – I have a God who was faithful yesterday, today, and will be tomorrow.  He holds me in His right hand constantly whispering His promises in my ear and showing me the ways I am precious in His sight.  He fulfills my life and His word gives me hope and courage to face every day. Every unknown.  I’m drenched in the truth that He made me beautiful – with talents and life only I can handle and accomplish.  I am secure knowing through His love there is no reason to compare myself – strengths and shortcomings – to anyone else.

2. My husband – There is nothing in this world that gives me more satisfaction or delight than knowing he is stuck with me, forever!  I swear he sees me better than my best especially when I’m at my worst.  On those days where the only words in my vocabulary are those not appropriate for PG-13 movies.  In my moments of exhaustion where I forget to stick the coffee cup under the Keurig, or simply when nothing in my closet seems to fit right. He tenderly reminds me that we were made to do something great together.  Our biggest accomplishment might be impacting our community so strongly we have a public honor, it might be showing our love every day of our life, heck – it might just be raising our family the best way we know how.  But, it’s our lot in life. Together.

 Isn’t it in P.S I Love You, Patricia says “I know what it is, not to feel like you’re in the room, until he looks at you or touches your hand or even makes a joke at your expense, just to let everyone know… you’re with him. You’re his.”

And it’s true.  I feel whole when I am with him, and when I’m not I’m still me, but in a different way. He makes me feel like I’m the only person of true importance to him.  He encourages me to find my happiness, to quit or begin or just go out on a whim. To know everything will be okay, no….better than okay because we have whats really important.  We’ve found the person whom we can “pour out the contents of our heart, chaff and grain together, knowing that gentle hands will take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away.” We’ve found real, messy, wonderful love.

3. My family and friends – My family and friends are the keepers of every good and wonderful memory.  They’ve helped shaped me into the woman I am today.  Sometimes providing me with a much needed wake up call or the consolation I was seeking.  Every person has given me an overabundance of love, which I am forever thankful for.

In a sea of unknown, its hard to always find the beauty.  But I promise its there.


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